Life Coaching Lesson #2:
Stop Comparing Yourself to Others and
Embrace Who You Are
Maria Teresa De Donato, PhD, Life Strategist
Maria Teresa De Donato, PhD, Life Strategist
“Education should
inculcate in all of us the idea that Mankind is only one family with common
interests. And, as consequence, that cooperation is more important than competition."
(Bertrand Russell)
Most of us will
agree that comparing ourselves to others happens more often than we wish it
would. And this since a very early age:
if you don’t believe it, and if you don’t have any young children or
grandchildren to observe so that they can make you change your view on this
topic, I invite you to go and visit a childcare and sit in the toddlers’ room
for a while. It will be only a matter of
time but sooner or later one of them will most likely look at the toy he or she
has been playing with, for quite some time or even just for a few minutes, when
not seconds, decide that the one his or her next to toddler is playing with is
more beautiful, more interesting, or just more colorful, grab it from the other
child’s hand and – whenever deemed necessary – give a good push to him or her
just in case he or she appears not to be willing to give it up or recognize
who, from that moment on, will be in charge of it, and take over.
Yes,
I know, you are probably thinking that toddlers, and very young children in
general, do have these sorts of issues due to the fact that they have not learned
and assimilated yet fundamental concepts such as those related to property and
possession, let alone that something can be shared with somebody else. You are absolutely right. At the same time, however, you might not have
noticed it, but you yourself might have preserved that childish attitude of
comparing yourself to others all your
life without even being aware of it.
How? Let’s make a few examples by
taking into account both ladies and gentlemen.
First
of all, let’s clarify one thing: the tendency, or should we rather say the unhealthy
habit of and attitude, to comparing oneself to somebody else has nothing to do with the other – whoever he or she might be – but everything to do with ourselves, with our sense of insecurity, low
self-esteem and fear. All of these
factors are, in fact, the main cause of jealousy and envy and lead us to see
that “the grass of our neighbor is always
greener.”
There
are differences, however, among sexes that, in my view and according to my
personal, several decade long observations, direct and indirect experience and
understanding make the ladies win big time over the gentlemen. Men, in fact, though they also can fall into
the trap of comparing themselves to somebody else, usually have a much smaller
area of action, that is, they can compare themselves and feel competitive towards
another and, consequently, being envious or jealous for a few things, with most
of them being generally related to their sense of social status and financial
resources. As consequence, men can get
in trouble, openly manifesting their competitive attitude when not boycotting
the other in a more sneaky way, when it comes to a higher position held by
somebody else at work, to a promotion – deserved or not – and the consequent
advancement in salary given to a coworker, the chance somebody else gets to buy
a bigger or nicer house, car, motorcycle, and sometimes even for somebody else
having married, getting engaged or just having a relationship with a prettier
or simply smarter partner than he has.
Sometimes such a competitive attitude may also extend to the area of children
so that those who are fathers end up making comparisons between the material
possessions their children have, or do not have, compared to those of others,
which is really related to what they, as parents, can or cannot afford and,
consequently, offer or not offer to them, and the ability and/or willingness of
their children to obtain higher grades in school and even to attend college,
which are both linked to the possibility of having a better future than they had
as parents. Once again, most of these
reasons, if not all of them, concerning why men engage in some competitive
behaviors seem to refer to the person’s status quo and financial
possibility.
Women,
on the other hand, gifted as they are with much more fantasy and imagination
than men, can be much more creative as well as for the never-ending list of
categories of motives which may lead to comparisons and, consequently, to
express, in some way or the other, their competitiveness. The latter, in fact, though sometimes not
clearly and verbally expressed, can be evident, to an even much greater extent
than words would allow for, by the use of silence. So many times, in fact, rather than openly
express her envy and/or jealousy towards the other female subject, the one who
is competitive by nature, or more competitive – for not everybody is nor is so
to the same extent – manifests her real feelings by not acknowledging the
other. Other times, to the contrary,
when these feelings are openly expressed, they take the form of derogatory
and/or denigratory statements and comments.
Hence, in the female world, generally speaking, almost anything can trigger a woman’s competitiveness: from who is/was
the best in school, to who has the most beautiful color of the eyes, the
highest shoes, the nicest makeup, the trendier color-form-style of hair, the
cleanest house, and on and on.
Though
competition seems to usually take place between people of the same sex, every
now and then it may also occur between people of opposite sex. According to my observation, this usually
happens for one or more of the following reasons, that is, when a man and a woman
run for the same position and career advancement, with the man – regardless of the
female’s attitude – usually having hard time to recognize her as his boss,
and/or when a man has difficulties to accept her higher education, brighter
mind or just her more secure, more assertive or even dominant personality. As for the latter, besides personality
issues, there might be also some historical reasons for that, which are usually
deep rooted in almost all cultures, since the beginning of time. I am referring here to the fact that almost
all civilizations, except for the few which are based on matriarchy, have taught
that the man must be the leader, in charge of the family, the community, the
country and that, therefore, he is the one who needs to provide financially
speaking for all those he loves. Men are
raised to believe this and, consequently, when they find themselves in a
situation which proves that that is not always going to be true they feel
uncomfortable, insecure, their whole world is shaken. Despite all of this, however, in recent years
so many situations have changed, with the world economy and consequent job
market and employment possibilities proving to be quite unstable no matter
where we live, some men have found themselves playing a role they would have
never thought they would, let alone it would have been deemed acceptable by
previous generations.
However,
no matter who is involved in the process and who is the one comparing and
competing, the most important aspect to consider is that the more often the
comparisons are made, the more competitive the person feels, the more insecure
the individual proves to be and the less he or she enjoys his or her own life. Why?
Because what really generates the need for making comparisons and
becoming competitive towards another human being is – as previously stated – one’s own insecurity, that is, one’s own fear to not be good (smart,
educated, rich, etc.) enough. This is
deeply rooted in the lack of knowledge of the Self and in the lack of awareness
of the one’s self value as living, intelligent being which deserves to be happy
and to fully enjoy life regardless one’s physical appearances, social status or
whatever we might erroneously consider ‘important’ in our life and which, as a
matter of fact, is not.
It’s
only when we truly understand these aspects and what it is really at stake,
once we connect with the Self, embrace who we are and finally love who we are that
we eventually are able to get rid of the burden of comparison, envy, jealousy,
and stop being competitive. Being able
to do so, by loving ourselves and other people – no matter who they are or what
they do in life – and showing a spirit of solidarity by helping each other and
being there for one another regardless if we are asked for it or not is the
only way we have to prove that we have understood that we are all linked to one another and that, happiness, therefore,
cannot take place until there is another living being suffering or being not
loved. Only then, that is, only once we
manifest in ourselves the transformation we want to see in our world – as
Mahatma Gandhi so beautifully stated – we will be able to come to know true
Love, Happiness and Health and make this world a better place.
To know more about my activities, services and products, feel free to visit also the following web sites:
http://www.dedoholistic.com
http://www.holistic-coaching-dedonato.com
To know more about my activities, services and products, feel free to visit also the following web sites:
http://www.dedoholistic.com
http://www.holistic-coaching-dedonato.com
Maria Teresa De
Donato©2013-2016. All Rights Reserved.
